Tommy Rotten: The Man Who Changed My Moon

You guys.

I waited 4 hours at the Tattered Cover Bookstore tonight to meet the most influential literary icon of my life.

As the clock drew closer to that 7 PM hour and I had been holding my espresso saturated self and my coveted 3rd row center aisle seat, I had to just get up and pee. It was like 6:53 PM and I figured if I ran back super fast and left my books on my chair to mark my territory, I could safely make it back in time for Tom Robbins to come strolling down the walkway and into my obsessive little world.

So I'm hauling ass around the corner doing the middle aged lady speed walk and I run right into the guy.

Like, I'm face to face.
With Tom Robbins.

The Universe purposely pushed on my bladder right at that exact moment so that it could align our paths. Tom Robbins is standing directly in front of me and I have this amazing opportunity to let him know how much he's changed my views about everything in the goddamn world and how much I love him and all I can squeak out is "Oh my god, you almost gave me a heart attack!"

Sunglasses. Of course. He was wearing shades, a striped jacket, neon shoes and a half smile. Yeah, we shared a smile. It was bliss. Not exactly how I was hoping our first meeting would go, but bliss nonetheless.

I'm sure he thought so as well.

He didn't return any actual words, but I'm almost 100% positive he fell in love a little bit.

So anyway, he read a few chapters from his new book Tibetan Peach Pie and I waited in line afterwards admiring his comic book socks and tried to ignore all the rest of the groupies.  It was one of the most magical nights of my life. He eventually signed my tore up copy of Still Life With Woodpecker and I did get to express to him how much he changed my life.

 (I'm even almost positive he heard me)

I'm telling you, it was a harmonic, star struck, promenade of a dream evening. Total perfection.

Now, with this new experience under my belt, I have taken this from it:

(I've said it before and I'll say it again)
When I can't see the moon I feel a bit lost. An invisible moon is an invisible me, I feel. 

When things around me are chaotic and temporal, it's calming to me to be able to look up and see my constant.
I feel connected.

The Moon is my crush. I wait all day for its visit. But he takes forever to get ready for a date. Like the world revolves around him or something. 

Right now, Mr Moon is coming back from invisibility and I feel that even a sliver is reassuring. 

New moons are a sort of blank page. It's a chance to think of exactly what it is I want to be drawing into my life. Preparation for the next cycle. 

It's a powerful opportunity to trust in the darkness no matter how uncomfortable and uncertain. It is a great reminder to have faith.

Because after all, according to the man himself:

“There are essential and inessential insanities. The later are solar in character, the former are linked to the moon.” 

20 Sure Swift Ways To Piss Off Your Local Friendly Bartender

It's a tricky concept to work with people instead of product.

There are a lot of personalities out there and unfortunately not all of them are smart nor socially in tune. As a bartender, I see occasional looks from 9-to-5ers who think this sort of people pleasing job is just so easy. I deal with people who see anyone in the service industry as sad drink slingers here to accommodate their buzz. Lets make no mistake here: deep down, I live for this. There is nothing I would personally like to do for a living more than have a social life which also happens to pay my bills. I feel very blessed. I love the freedom my ass feels whenever I stand up and it hasn't physically gown into the square shape of a cubicle chair. However, I have also found my niche far far away from novice shot takers and now prefer to be the barrel monkey at a more seasoned cabana where I take care of practiced pros who rarely make amateur faux paus.

But with that being said, there are always those few...

My husband and I went out for beers last night to visit a friend of ours who works security at a tavern downtown. As fun as it is to get out of the house and stretch our livers a bit, it absolutely reminded me how happy I am that I don't mix drinks for a gaggle of drunken college kids anymore. Sure, the money is fantastic, but the toll it takes on the temper and the irritation gauge is enough to hang up my shaker for a while.
While my husband sat and watched all the handlebar mustaches come and go, my eyes were fixed on the interaction between the 3 guys lobbing bottles and the unforgiving line which wrapped around the entire bar. I could see, time and time again, the universal pet peeves which were unfolding right in front of my eyes.

It's a world wide formula which bartenders around the globe have had to deal with since the dawn of time:

Unaware and overly saturated patrons
+ Busy bartender in overly populated tavern
 = The perfect cocktail of broken bar etiquette.

Now, I feel it's my civic duty to post these bete noirs to help clear the air and put an end to any confusion as to what is acceptable pub behavior and what isn't. So in no particular order, let's commence the lesson.

1. Being indecisive (also known as "just make me whatever you want!" or "mix me something fruity, your choice!") I have a bar which the fire department would shut down for being hundreds of people over capacity, and you've been waiting in line for 20 minutes for your turn to secure a delicious cold beverage but you seriously don't know what you want to drink? Get out of here.

2. Trying to throw stuff into the trash can and missing. I don't know if you think you're Michael Jordan, but I have news for you, you aren't Michael Jordan. You're especially not Michael Jordan after 5 Washington Apples and 3 IPA's. As you try and then fail over and over in an attempt to convince yourself otherwise, I am collecting a small army of crinkled up cocktail napkins which I will have to clean up at 2AM after an already exhausting shift. Please just get up and place your trash in the can like everyone else. Thanks.

3. On the heals of this; Frisbee tossing coasters. When you launch a coaster across the bar room, and you come inches away from hitting me in the forehead, sometimes even succeeding, you aren't being funny or flirty or anything other than an asshole asking for weak drinks and an irritated bartender. 

4. Tipping in me in a pile of dimes, pennies, and nickles? Are you a homeless person who really doesn't even have the money to be at a bar in the first place? Take that shit to Coin Star. Come on. 

5. Making a mess (ie; ripping off beer labels, tearing up coasters) I understand that you're nervous or sexually frustrated or bored or whatever but my job is not to be your personal janitor. Knock it off. Are you building a nest?

6. Opening and closing a tab. This is also along the lines of being indecisive. If there is any chance at all that you may stay and have another round, leave your tab open. It is a pain in the ass to wait for my dial-up credit card machine to close you out 3 separate times at $4.50 a pop.  And while we're on the subject, quit ordering your drinks one at a time. Please place your entire order for everyone at your table all at the same time. If you think that by the time I'm back with a tray full of shots you'll be ready for another beer, just order it prior. Don't make me come back 4 times for 4 drinks. I hate you.

7. Asking for free or stronger drinks. I know more about liquor portions than you do and my job is more important than you getting your buzz on. "Don't be shy" or "more whiskey than coke" or "light on the ice" isn't a sneaky way of getting more alcohol in your cocktail. All that does is make you sound cheap and get you weaker drinks. If you want a double, just ask for a double. Chances are, if you're a regular that I'm fond of, I would have probably hooked it up anyway had you not said anything but now, not so much.

8. Complaining about your tab being higher than you think it is. Listen to me, you're drunk and I'm sober. While admittedly there have been occasional flub ups, generally speaking I can recall what you've had to drink much better than you can. I remember that the baker's dozen Fireball shots which you bought for the table of hot chicks behind you did in fact really happen. I'm not trying to pad your tab, ok? Just pay your damn bill and quit arguing with me. Aint nobody got time for that.

9. Can you turn this song up? No I can't. Your decibel sensitivity is broken. I already turned it up for Phil Collin's drum solo in In The Air Tonight per your request. I turned it up again when your girlfriend played Brittney Spears' Work Bitch on the jukebox. So when I see a line of barstools filled with customers who are having to scream over each other just so that you can play a cranked up air guitar to Freebird, I'm drawing the line. (And just because you've discovered the button in the back of the box where you can manually do it yourself doesn't mean you have that privilege. I will cut you.)

10. Interrupting when I'm talking to another customer. Whatever you're going to say isn't as important as you think it is. Don't be a dick.

11. Using hand signals or yelling at me to get a drink, especially when I'm crazy busy, isn't going to get you a drink any faster. I'm taking inventory of everyone standing at the bar whether you think I see you or not, I know you're there. I have a certain order in my head of which drink orders to take while I go to the other end of the bar to get beer for a different group across the room. When you yell at me, snap at me, clap at me or wave your arms around like a kindergartner who knows the answer in class, you're not only messing up my order of operation, but you're making yourself look like an impatient and arrogant patron. Also, holding your empty beer bottle in the air until I come over with a new one is the grown up equivalent of a toddler holding their breath. Calm yourself. Seriously. I'll get to you, I promise. I'm moving as fast as you assholes will let me go.

12. Don't try to ask me an alcohol related question just to one-up me on your knowledge of alcohol. While a good bartender welcomes the knowledge of learning a new mixed drink or shooter, you also don't need to try and make me look stupid in order to make yourself look more alcoholically educated. Doing so is just going to make you look like a pretentious douche. No, I've never heard of a drink called Underwater Orangutan Piss and that doesn't make you better than me. So shut it.

13. Overstaying your welcome. The bar is closing. You and the two shit-tanked guys at the end of the bar talking about your high school prom memories are the only 3 people left. If you're thinking to yourself "Oh, she won't mind if we hang out for one more beer because we're buddies!" You're wrong. Being nice to you is our job and we'll tell you it's cool but really we want to get the hell out of there and go home just as much (if not more) than everyone else who is approaching the end of their work day. If I'm turning lights on, pulling the bar mats and sticking the garnish tray into the walk-in cooler, it's time to go home. Don't make me stand there continuously checking my watch, yawning and flipping off the TVs while you go on and on. Just go home already and let e do the same. I'm begging you.

14. Drinking and driving. It's 2014. We all know how much of a bad idea it is to drink and drive. Don't get wasted and then wave your keys in front of me so that I know you're going to drive home. I am way too busy to tackle you to the ground and talk you out of a bad decision. I'm not your mom. Drink responsibly.

15. Walking out with a drink. You know as well as I do it's against the law to take a glass filled with alcohol beyond the doors of a tavern. Yes, you're welcome to go sit on the patio and smoke your cigarettes or whatever, but if you cross that rope, you're not only jeopardizing my position but also the liquor license of the actual business itself. This isn't a liquor store. We don't have to-go cups for your Sex On The Beach. Sorry.

16. Trying to have a long conversation when I'm busy. I would love to watch your home video of the hilarious thing your cat did this afternoon or have a long chit chat about your brother who just got put in jail for the 7th time, but right now it's the middle of happy hour and I have to make 16 blended margaritas and muddle 8 different flavors of mojito. Please stop talking.

17. Taking fruit out of the garnish tray. Your hands are dirty. Even if they aren't, I don't know that. My hands, on the other hand, have been clean and sanitized over 10 times in the last 5 minutes from washing a million bar glasses so because I'm the one with the bartending job, I'll be the only one to stick my fingers in the olives. I don't care if garlic stuffed ones are your favorite. Hands off buddy. That's gross.

18. Complaining about being carded. It's my job to card you. Be happy you still look young and not a million years old. Take it as a compliment and shut the hell up about being carded. I'm 33 years old and look like I'm about 16 so every goddamn day I hear "are you even old enough to be serving me" at least once and even though it's like nails on a chalkboard, I don't bitch about it. Get over it and just have it already out and waiting to hand to me already. You should know the routine already at this point and by arguing with me it just makes you seem younger.

19. Throwing up!!! It's one thing to go out and have a good time, but know when to say enough is enough. This is the ultimate no-no. There is nothing worse than cleaning up someone else's used Jagermeister. Please, please, please just don't. 

Now, to put a halt to any backlash before it has the chance to ensue, of course I'm not talking about any of my regulars. You guys are my friends and most of you are competent and well rounded patrons who know better. I'm talking about the Chad's and Christy's who stop in on a Friday night on their way to Old Town.

I have no idea who made this video but whoever it is, they're a genius.
Ladies and gentlemen, I leave you with a typical day at my office:

Be Our Guest

So, our third bedroom (also known as the Monkey Room)(also also known as Grant's Tomb) sits on the opposite side of the loft and is very very small.
It's hard to capture the room's exact shade of avocado green because it changes depending on where the sun hits, but trust me when I say that it was very green.

Like, an Al Gore-ish hue.

It's the only room in the whole house which wasn't the same Eeyore's-Ass-Grey like all the rest. You could see it coming as you turned the corner...

Prior to our buying the property, this room must have been a child's jungle themed bedroom or something. There were monkeys and crayon doodles spangled all over the walls and the closet organizer could only hold the outfits of a munchkin.  

Note the banana light switch...

There is a tiny alcove in the corner but it's sort of a strange shape and not big enough to put a normal sized dresser.

My goal for this guest room was to provide someplace welcoming and comfortable without feeling cramped and dungeon-like. When we finished with the living room, it astounded me how a single coat of paint brightened the entire space. We knew that the dark green was the first thing to go and down stairs there happened to be a full can of Cumberland Fog from Behr Premium Plus paint line. When I popped off the lid, I knew we had a winner. 

Everything about the shade was exactly what I was looking for. Friendly, breezy, light and mellow. It took two coats, even with primer mixed in, but we eventually conquered the jungle. 

Better Homes and Gardens makes a great little blue and tan patterned bedspread which matched perfectly and tied the whole thing together.  

The only thing really left to do was to create the final cozy ingredients and find some people to come visit!

You guys, I've traveled a lot. 

A. Lot.

I've stayed in countless hotels, motels, hostels, and guest rooms. I've crashed on numerous couches, floors and even a couple recliners. I've slept in cars, tents, airplanes and trains. 

I've gathered some great ideas on things I wish I had (and a few copy cat ideas which I found absolutely genius) over the years and I have finally acquired a spot to put them all in use.

  

 So in no particular order: here is a list of my top 10 guest room essentials. 

(I use the term essentials very loosely)

1.  An alarm clock. This is sort of a no-brainer. I'm aware that everyone has one on their cell phones, but it never hurts to have a back up. It's important for people to not miss their flights and/or shuttles. Plus, you know, people like to know the time from time to time. 

2. Post your Wi-Fi password. Save your guests some cash off their data plan. It's the polite thing to do. 

3. A guest journal. Every hostel and bed/breakfast I've stayed in has had one of these things for travelers to jot down their vacation experiences and I think it's super interesting to read other people's thoughts. Yes, I'm aware it will be my mom and maybe a couple of friends here and there who mainly use this space, but regardless, it'll be a great keepsake years down the road to go back and remember different trips from different people. 

4. A map of the area. Let your visitors get familiar with where you/they are. 

5. Reading materials. Don't have a library stacked with novels, I mean, people aren't going to be spending copious amounts of time here. Keep it light with magazines or novelty books. Because I'm just vain enough to think people want to look at me on vacation all over the world and because my guest room is travel themed, this is where I display all my Shutterfly vacation and scrap books. I also have the best of Calvin and Hobbs, Where's Waldo, The Good Citizen Handbook, The History of Rock and Roll, and The Book Of Strange Trivia. Everyone likes something fun to flip through as they're falling asleep. 

6. Spare blankets. We took out the closet organizer and moved it to Kalynn's bedroom which gave us plenty of space for a dresser. We keep our spare blankets in the bottom two drawers. There is nothing worse than waking up cold in the middle of the night to ruin a good night's sleep. The key here is to keep your guests comfortable and everyone's level of warmth is different. 

7. Coffee, tea and snacks. Here's the deal: my mom wakes up at like 4am and I don't. If she wants coffee at 4am, she should be able to have some without having to leave the privacy of her own room (or waking up everyone else in the house). Personally, I don't like to see or speak to anyone until I've had at least one cup of Joe. I wake up, I go downstairs, I pour my coffee, I turn around and go right back upstairs. My husband and my daughter know it's best for everyone's safety to just leave me alone until my veins have been tapped and I get my fix. 

I'm also an awful insomniac and a little chamomile tea before bed is nice for relaxation. For both of these reasons, I want the option readily available for my guests without them having to ask. 

As for the snacks, it's just nice to munch sometimes. 

8. A sample jar. People forget things all the time like toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, lotion and face soap. Sometimes I have people decide to spend the night unexpectedly and they didn't come prepared.  For this reason, I've thrown all my hotel shampoos, airplane bottles, left over dentist visit samples, and cosmetic counter giveaways into one functional jar. There's a little something for everyone.

9. A luggage rack. That funny little alcove was a perfect spot for a luggage rack. These are inexpensive to pick up and always come in handy for the person who is living out of their suitcase. 

10. Spare keys. "You are now free to roam around the cabin... without getting locked out." If they want to go for a walk while I'm at work or use the car, go for it.

 

So that's it! I'm a firm believer that house plants can change the identity of a room and once all the painting and remodeling is finished they are top of my list. But for now, our quaint little room will serve its purpose and house whoever needs a place to crash. So, if you're ever in the neighborhood...!

Before and afters of the loft, the master bedroom, the princess room and the kitchen coming soon!

Our Anniversary Traditions

Ever heard the saying that everyone is born knowing all the lyrics to the Beatles instinctively? Like, as humans those lyrics are just automatically passed down through the fetus along with all the amniotic stuff.

This is one of two facts I know for sure.

The second fact I know for sure is that one of the best things about being a flight attendant (presumably) is that you can fart whenever you want and the purring of the engine will drown out the purring of your ass. However, this is way off point.

Not that I really had a point.

Anyway...

The last few days have been spent in my new back yard listening to Paul McCartney with my little girl (and she somehow knows all the words) as she plays with her My Little Ponies while I pull weeds, sip on tea, and plan out this Summer's garden. We've grilled out every night, thrown the bocce balls around, our doggie has been lounging in the sun and we've started to bust out the sun block.
It has been one of the most relaxing weeks ever.

Jason and I had our 3rd wedding anniversary and it has finally been enough years to be able to appreciate our little yearly customs.
On our 1st anniversary, everything was still so new and although it was exciting to plan out what we wanted to do every year as our official traditions, we really had no idea how fun it would be in the future as we celebrated each additional year of not killing each other.

It's an equation really:
one more year down + zero murders = champagne toast

Choosing our anniversary traditions was a really big deal to us. We wanted to pick things to do every year that would be fun and revitalizing for our marriage and I think we've got a great list. The best, to be exact.

We have our fancy million dollar champagne flutes which we splurged on for the wedding and we get them down once a year from their velvet box and fill them up with cheap champagne.

They have our names and wedding date etched in the glass cups which beautifully sit on alabaster stone and Australian crystal studded stems. They're absolutely gorgeous and I'm really happy we made the choice to include them in our annual celebration. We don't make a big speech or anything, mainly we sit on the porch and shoot the shit and get buzzed off of Andre's Brut $4.99 special. 

We also run by our local bakery and pick up some sort of  pie (or cheesecake or whatever) and we use our matching cutlery to cut the cake. We bought them as a set with the flutes, and trust me that once you're in one or two glasses of bubbly, a piece of cake sounds pretty damn good.  

Our particular flute and utensil set are the Park Avenue line from Things Remebered. Totally worth the money if you're careful with them. I actually shattered one of the glasses last week when I was washing them and forking out the money for an emergency expedited replacement wasn't so fun. 

So, you know, try to not do that. 

Once I'm all liquored up, I spend some time going through my wedding boxes while we watch the DVD of our wedding and our Honeymoon.

Now, lets talk about the clothing. 

Ladies: the dress and veil and shoes and hair and everything else that went along with that magic day was probably one of the most beautiful occasions of your adult life. 

You've heard my wedding dress story, but my veil was something I picked out and fell madly in love with. It's a cream lace embedded with crushed Swarovky crystals and it was pretty much love at first site. I found her at a little boutique in Laguna Beach and knew from the moment we met that she was meant to be mine. 

There was absolutely no way in hell that I was going to wear this veil once and be done with it. 

When Jason and I got engaged in upstate New York, we were visiting his parents and that was the same trip I learned that his mother gets her veil down every year and wears it around on their anniversary.  This was seriously one of the most brilliant things I had ever heard in my entire life. 

So no matter what we're doing that day, for instance if I happen to be chilling out on a tree swing high up in the Rocky Mountains, I wear my veil. If I'm going to the grocery store, I wear my veil. If we're going out to dinner, I wear my veil. You get the idea. 

My bridesmaids and I all had matching black hoodies for the reception. Theirs said "Bridesmaids" and mine obviously said "Bride" and I rock that around town also. 

This year's anniversary, we bummed around our new house. I folded laundry in my jeans and house slippers, and I wore my veil the whole day.  I saved my white "Bride" tank top which I wore when I was getting my makeup and hair done the morning of my wedding. If it's warm enough, I'll throw it on. This is the first year I've been able to wear the tank strictly because April in Southern California is drastically different from April in Northern Colorado.

(You can feel my excitement, yeah?)

Our final tradition and one I'm the most fond of is our annual anniversary photo:

Every year, we take a photo holding the photo from the year prior. 

Eventually the original will be too tiny to see...

This year, our 4-year-old daughter took the picture with my cell phone so it's super blurry and crooked which is possibly why I love it the best!

So whatever you choose to make your traditions, make them outstanding ones. You'll be doing them for a loooong time! Don't be boring, have fun, and cheers to a long and happy marriage!

50 Shades Of Pewter Mug

Well, it's 4AM and with the majority of things starting to settle down in my life, apparently my brain isn't one of them because I'm wide awake writing to all of you.

A new house and a new job are starting to feel more like home and less like I'm painfully out of my element.

Finally.

I'm getting to know and genuinely like my co-workers which is a welcomed change from having so much time off to sit around and worry about whether or not I was going to ever get to that level of comfort again.

The house is coming along.
We're still painting.
In the beginning, I was so excited to roll out that very first stroke on the wall but by the time the first room was finished I can assure you I was over it. Going from a grey to a light tan takes multiple coats even with primer included in the paint and the novelty of it wears off by the end of the first trim taping.

This Pewter Mug color was on every wall in the house.
Like, every wall.
While I can appreciate grey as much as the next guy, this much of it can certainly sour a mood.

It was like looking at Eeyore's ass everywhere I turned.

I've had enough.

My entire life I've gone with blacks, whites and greys. My couches were black leather, my picture frames were noirs and silvers, my side tables were slates. I'm ready to branch out a bit and add some color to my repertoire. Had I gotten a hold of this house 10 years ago, I would have loved the cloudy day fog / morgue look. However today, especially because we're buying this house in the dawn of spring time, I need a little light in my life!

You can see how the dark paint sucked out all of our natural light and made the ceilings feel low. This living room is such a great open space but it just felt so much like a cave. I spent time looking around on multiple websites and I found many homes where they could make this color work, but for us it just wasn't going to. 

We didn't buy a monstrosity of a home. We bought a quaint, 3 bedroom house with the perfect amount of space for our little family, and it seemed like the houses that could pull this color off had giant vaulted ceilings and picture windows as tall as magic beanstalks. Either that or they used it in a more appropriate room such as a bathroom or bedroom, which we ended up doing in the long run as well. 

You remember a couple weeks back when I posted this picture prior to our furniture arriving and our coffee cups being unpacked. We were still in patio furniture and camping cooler mode.

The carpal tunnel loving process has been seemingly endless and has caused the casualties of multiple cases of beer. So many outlets to unscrew, so much trim to tape off, so many trays to trip over, spills to wipe up, ladders to constantly relocate... 

However in the end, I'm beyond satisfied with the outcome. Once the walls were dry, the furniture was delivered, and the Venitian blinds were put back up, it started to look much more like what I had in my head. 

Obviously, the place could use a bit of personality, maybe an area rug, some art, photos, that sort of thing. But you get the idea. For now all we have is an early morning 4-year-old who refuses to look at the camera. 

There is a very distinct line where we stopped at the kitchen wall. That's a project to be tackled later in the Spring or maybe even early Summer when we decide on colors and counter tops.

Project after project is slowly approaching and we're tackling them as financially steady as we can. One down, one million more to go!